All the fans are gone! I stepped on a rake.". He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. Just as in life, you are presented with options; its up to you to decide which ones suit you best. Sandra Haynie, 30. Whats the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? They expect to succeed! However, every person playing the game has the basis of good mental skills for golf. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play where it lies." Bobby Jones 23. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton, 63. Nothing it should have ducked. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. It will test your patience. 5. Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? 2. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Billy Graham, Show me a man who is a good loser and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. George B. Kirsch, Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf. Paul Gallico, I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. Peter Jacobson, 33. You shot an eight. Its to move on. Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron. So, I'm on the first tee with him. P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.. The threesome were curious what was going on. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. You will find the quotes being used everywhere, coming from ordinary people like us, who are just famous. Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it? 3 / 10. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. Funny and dirty medical pick-up lines and doctor hook-up lines. But dont take it from us, check out the funny golf quotes below and enjoy a laugh or two. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. Joe Tessitore, The least thing upset him on the links. And maybe thats why the highs were so high and the lows felt so low. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance." Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic. Spread your legs a little more. Fantastic 4-some. A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. A fan in the crowd said Mr. Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. Dean Martin, He loved the game. 6. Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. Golf puts a mans character on the anvil and his richest qualitiespatience, poise, restraintto the flame. Billy Casper, 16. Ben Hogan, I know I am getting better at golf because Im hitting fewer spectators. nay I my child, and eke, oh! Dave Barry, Golf is the only game I know where you call a foul on yourself. If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the Happy Gilmore. If we . Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Success depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character. Arnold Palmer, 52. P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. Your competitors are not allowed to hinder you, as they are in other sports. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't: 10. Thats incredible. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Because all the other four letter words were taken. -Lee Trevino Keep your sense of humor. Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. If you break 80, watch your business. Roarin' Mcllroy I, with my lovely Wishian team, gather the expressions, sort them out, organize them with suitable background images, and serve them to you. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks, Wife: Honey, if I die, will you marry again?, Wife: Will you let her sleep in our bed?, Wife: Would you even let her use my golf clubs?. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch. Because it would interrupt their tea time. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. THE MATERIAL ON THIS SITE MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, DISTRIBUTED, TRANSMITTED, CACHED OR OTHERWISE USED, EXCEPT WITH THE PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. 2023 DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes, 17 Awful (But Mostly Funny) Golf Fails from 2013, This new Top Flite commercial is sophomoric, inappropriate, and very funny. First and foremost, you must have confidence. He went up to her, talked to her, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. Please read here for more information. What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. When your golf cart capsizes. Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro. Whos there? So that you can share them back, with the whole world. "It's good to see there is still some respect in the world." "Well, it's only right," the first golfer replies. Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. Does a bear crap in the woods? Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. Lorii Myers, Long, long afterward, in a whin / I found the golf-ball, black as sin / But the five shillings are missing still! What are a golfers favorite flowers? There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, Right train, wrong ticket., The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, No sleeper cars on that train either, Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. Go to the golf course. Jack Burke, Every golfer worthy of the name should have some acquaintance with the principles of golf course design, not only for the betterment of his game but for his own selfish enjoyment. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. Draw a mental image of where you want it to go and then eliminate everything else from your mind, except how you are going to get the ball into that preferred spot. Sam Snead, 46. Ben Hogan, And theres many neat cottages with gardens very nice / And picturesque villas, which can be rented at a reasonable price / Besides, theres a golf course for those that such a game seeks / Which would prove a great attraction to the knights of clubs and cleeks. Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. From the moment I saw you, I've had a vertical shaft angle. Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. Philip Wyeth, Hitting down is an important part of iron play. Im going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?, My arms are tired, I had so many strokes.. I just havent played yet. Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this? Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Here, have a carrot! Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Chuck Hogan, Dont play too much golf. Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? How Long Does It Take to Play 18 Holes of Golf? There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. He said. Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? Chip Shot. However, it's been poisoned for me by the fact that it was often relayed to customers at a golf course I worked at by an overweight 90-year-old man while I awkwardly feigned amusement in repeated moments of shared weirdness. A golfer has to train his swing on the practice tee, then trust it on the course. Dr. Bob Rotella, 49. Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Full Text: And yet another day has passed and I did not use algebra once. You may share any of these heartfelt photos with funny golf quotes without hesitation. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. 5. Ben Hogan, The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. It keeps you young. Patty Berg, 29. Try choking donw on the shaft. For true success, it matters what our goals are. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". How about grabbing two of your friends so we can play a foursome? Why did the golfer have to change his socks? 3 of 10. Whats the easiest shot to make in golf? How the heck did that happen? I like big putts and I cannot lie. P.G. What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? The next minute youre hemorrhaging. Besides that, I love to explore. And maybe that same element inspires the poets, writers and artists to pay homage to golfor at least lament its cruelty. You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question. Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores? Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot! Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! Youre too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league. had to choose, right ? Look at the size of his putter. Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. Whos there? Boo. 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. Which is the easiest golf stroke? The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. 8. When is it too wet to play golf? Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. Arnold Palmer, 65. They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them. Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.". And it matters how we go about attaining them. If you break 80, watch your business.". 3. Leslie Nielsen, Mini-golf is a lot like life. How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer? The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf. Simpson, Most people play a fair game of golf If you watch them. Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines; Dirty Music Pick Up Lines; Dirty Holiday Pick Up Lines; In case he gets a hole in one. There are no absolutes in golf. The smile looks really good on you. Sam Snead. The other 20. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Roy Tin Cup McAvoy, the greatest that never was. ), 30 Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes To Share with Friends (or your boss! 9. 2. Fear comes in two packages fear of failure, and sometimes, fear of success. Tom Kite, 21. Jack Lemmon, There are many things you can successfully fake in businessbut a good golf swing isnt one of them. If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. The Dalai Lama himself. They say golf is like life, but dont believe them. No, but I'm willing to screw in them. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. He couldnt stop puttzing around! 150 Puns From All Walks of Life. "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. I had a hole in nothing. Big pupils lead to big scores. Drop some in the comments! if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. Joe Torre, It is not possible to play golf consistently well without sound mental skills. I`m really worried about myself. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." The harder you practice, the luckier you get. Gary Player, 32. Noah golf pro who can fix your swing? On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match. I am a Musician. Hey you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right? Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? A two-foot putt to win a bet or a tournament or a Masters is another thing entirely. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. Make your partner smile with these adult golf jokes. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, Of course. To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. Jim Bishop, I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. You okay with that? "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. Knock, knock What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? See more ideas about golf quotes, golf, golf humor. He said. You may have heard these renowned quotes about funny golf before. So what are you waiting for? "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." Bruce Lansky 15 of 50 Scott Halleran/Getty Images "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife. What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common? She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. Lee Trevino. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. Pick your favorite one from more than 86 quotes about funny golf with images and use it wherever you like. Lighten up, golf is just a game after all. Well, what can you really say about the great Chi Chi Rodriguez's quote? "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together. 5. I love the contrast between the agony of a golfer bleeding out and the ecstasy of a moment of creative genius. And that thought is: Dont think. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. Golf?! Their expectation, however, is very different. I hope you can use them for your game and as inspiration. Are you sure you aren't all four majors because you would be a grandslam? SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. A bad hole wont get you a slap across the face when you play golf. Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. A dinner without wine. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. Tell me what your favorite sports game is, and I will tell you, who you are. Lift your head and spread your legs. Your email address will not be published. Why not! Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. His playing partner: Wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed., Man: Well, I was married to her for 30 years.. I love silly, funny, nerdy, quirky jokes. Have fun. It was glorious when you did! Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.". I never learned anything from a match that I won. Bobby Jones, 62. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? When a golfer lies, he doesnt have to bring any proof home. Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. Because subtraction speaks louder than words. They dont have the heart for it. What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? For you only, all the funny golf quotes images have been created that you are going to explore now. Putter Around. Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. Just in case they get a slice! Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?. P-U-T-T is correct, the instructor replied. A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. Wanna be my caddy? 2. They like cricket better. Tommy Bolt, As golf conquered the United States in the decades preceding World War I, the British import took on new forms. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, 15+ Easy and Funny Animal Riddles for Kids (with answers) 2023, 79 HILARIOUS Holiday Jokes For A Jolly Mood, 49 Jokes about Teachers and Students (that work like Science: Always get a reaction), 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? I asked my caddie what he thought of my game. Discover and share Dirty Quotes For Women Golfers. 3. Photo: Shutterstock. Tiagra. Wodehouse, A great golfers mtier is his or her golfing skill, coupled with the mastery of good sportsmanship, rendering him or her an ambassador for the sport. Concentrate on the one fault you want to overcome. Sam Snead, 55. Basketball is a sport for black men. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. Of course, after painting the Mona Lisa, you'll likely soon be back to bleeding. Two rounds a day are plenty. He hauls off and whacks onebig hitter, the Lamalong, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Are you into kinky stuff? Thats how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch! All he knows how to play with is Clubs! All of them. One minute youre bleeding. Hey babycan you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? I give the ball some sweet talk. Andy. In a way, this quote is a stand-in for the entire volume of comedic wit and great golf quotes in Caddyshack. Brent Musberger, If you break 100, watch your golf. "I'm the best. Colleen Ferrari Bader, And does the man walk always so? In the Golf of Mexico! Hi there! Man: Please dont go. Bruce Lansky, Author. Instead, here's a great clip of Chi Chi talking about ladies he sees golfing. Because I'm going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark. Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. Joey Adams, It takes exactly eighteen shots tae polish off a fifth o a bottle o Scotch, thus, a game o golf equates tae eighteen holes. Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work. Jack Nicklaus, 3. You are signed up for our newsletter! Your email address will not be published. Drops him off at the golf course! Lift your head and spread your legs. One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Whos there? If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course. People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. Days when you just dont have it, you dont pack it in, you give it everything youve got. Mickey Mantle, Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. The friend is quite amazed: That dog is really talented! A great shot is when you pull it off. William Topaz McGonagall, Golf epitomizes the tame world. There are no time constraints, as there are in other sports. What does a golfer do on his day off? Steve Alten, Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. "I'll kiss you on the rain so you get twice as wet". If you win through bad sportsmanship, thats no real victory. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 11. The end. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. Missed the ball and sank the divot. Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. / In despair my overburdened spirit sinks / Till I wish that every golfer was in glory / And I pray the sea may overflow the links. I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!. Learn More. Why are golf and sex so similar? Henry Beard, Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. How many strokes was that? I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. 21. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? There is no such thing as a natural touch. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a468f26f096b5aaed8fdef8efc580f6f" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.
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