Hi Shannon and welcome here and in my short ebooks I hope you find the help you need (-: Please, What does your comment is awaiting moderation mean? I often feel rejected and alone. Thankfully I never had to suffer that but mental and emotional stuff can leave scars just as deep. I am tired of him doing that and am trying to set boundaries. I think for my sanity I just cant talk to him anymore. 1. It amazes me at how his brain works and like to think of it as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect to each other. But how can I do it . Hi While i think you mean well and im sure there are many you have helped. Its hard to know the right steps to heal oneself and have taken many wrong turns in this regard. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. When you first met, you likely thought your partner was attentive and wonderful. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. Are you safe? As my counselor said, he wont change, but as I change he will either adjust or leave. You should also make it clear in this report that you fear this may be a symptom of the medication he has been prescribed. Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. The best thing you can do is work on your own codependence. In this Narcissistic form of social justice, holding personal accountability as an activist, is viewed as an automatic, one-down position, where the oppressor has "won". The guy Im living with even wrote 2 books and the first one he is actually describing the messiah (him). I definitely felt stronger and more in control of my own feelings and responses to the verbal and emotional abuses. So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators A week before my birthday Im told that hes going away with his daughter to see his brother in Singapore and my birthday would be missed. These as with all of Kim and Steves materials and information are interchangeable for whatever the situation you are in, including with your daughter. When bubs doesnt sleep and I get a little touchy when he wakes, he go he goes back to bed, I later discover hes gone home and I cop the blame for making him feel unwelcome! Especially the magic scissors and self-soothing are very powerful skills. Steve only changed because I basically made his former way of life completely unmanageable for him at the same time as giving him a better option. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. Trying to be honest? Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. I either need to do what I think is correct or if its something we need to speak about I will wait until things have calmed down. Good luck everyone. When he was alcholic and drunk he would do the stupid lying stuff, but when sober and caught he could at least give bits of the truthwho knows. The emotional and verbal abuse though that I experience sometimes makes me wonder if I would rather he just go ahead and hit me and get it over with (I dont really feel like that Im having a bad day he just finished raging b/c I forgot the listerine)anyway I guess I to order love safety net. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. ), unless some woman forces him to that isbut think I need to for myself. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. But, we cant lose the business either. What (they) choose to believe is irrelevant. Steve did get very enraged when I first started setting boundaries but as it was about what I would not live with for myself rather than me putting myself above him there was still room for him to come down out of his ivory tower and be with me once the corner he had painted himself into had become too uncomfortable. But in my house they are the constant fare. Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. We have been married for 29 years 8 of which he spent living with someone else. Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. Word salads and nonsensical conversations . All the Best! Thank you Ann and Marie. 4. After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! Harsh, but true. Just what I have found throughout my life. Take good care. He is unstable and is alsi a habitual liar. He is getting the msg now and is much nicer, kinder but he is still the charmer especially of women who adore him..and men want to protect him.. and he is a role playing man. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. Hi Kim, thanks for the response. All of you bloggers have a great deal of courage. How different from what I normally get from my husband. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. Even though I should be mad, at this point I just feel sorry for him because I know within his limited ability to, he does love me and is hurting too, but the rollercoaster he rides is just to much. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. This makes me feel degraded. We are loosing the ability to teach our children this concept, and it is affecting all of our adult lives. Sorry to rant. He would not be remotely aware of his behavior while leaving. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. You are right when you say talking does no good. Your indifference is their kryptonite. Thank you!. He goes overboard with some of this stuff. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. He got nicer a week or so. 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. He feels no guult and does dent his bisexual lifesyle. Through 15 years of marriage he was never faihful and treated our children and me disrespectfully. The sadness seems so deep, even though I know understand, Im not sure Ill every be whole. 2. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. This had 2 effects. Save yourselves and consider yourselves lucky for getting out when you did, and get your kids as far away as possible. I am weaning myself at the moment out of a relationship with a very toxic individual who was the final nail in my rocky marriage. As difficult as this seems, by defining your own boundaries you will also give yourself space to recover and recharge as these changes can in fact help both partners. If this is your first time seeing my face o. (felt he didnt love me and felt I didnt have a partner). I think mentally healthy people are able to give some space and be tolerant of a partner who is not a carbon copy of themselves and therefore will differ on questions of tidiness, importance of money and life goals. I was with my ex for 23 yrs I tried and tried to support him so we could have an honest and mutually giving relationship I thought I was good at seeing when he was lying but in fact- it was all lies everything the whole relationship. I think mine married me thinking hed improve his station in life (although he said I could quit working before we were married) and was vastly disappointed at my low earnings after marriage and soon after my parents hints of creating a trust so that their money could not go to him, he left. Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. Keep in mind that you earn more than I do and that I am raising two children. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first. I think if I respond with a more idiotic statement, the liars will see the light. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. He abandons almost daily conversations/e mails/helping me. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. They have to be sane! Everything is for him. I dont want to get you in trouble, it just scares me and I dont know what else to do.. The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. When I found out and tried to explain to them that, that was not the case they would not renew our lease and we had 30 days to find a new home. he of course was perfect and still is. [] (An earlier version of thisarticle was first published on the narcissism Daily Mirror and then at:www.thelovesafetynet.com.) I will try the technic to make someone else be the bad guy, but I dont know if I may have waited to long. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. Narcissists are excellent crazy makers!! Kim, I totally agree with this article and after dealing with this type of behavior for 34 years of marriage I know this method works great. I love him, I love my daughter and need to protect her, and I know there is a good man in therebut as long as he sits on both sides of the fence, we will continue to long for the real family that he is not sure he wants to be. 5 years later and Steve is still working with me at home and the new lifestyle he has learned here is simple, solid and dependable. Admittedly, at times, the narcissist finds it hard control his rage. How do you find the energy to do this? You cannot decide what they will do and if they ask what you want you need to be ready to say, It appears he is having severe withdrawals and if his medication is not monitored more closely I am concerned about what may result.. so weve come to a better situation, but there is still alot to do. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. I feel I am saving my life. Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. Said it was a hurt beyond which I could ever know! Hi Harrison and welcome I understand your feelings and hear that you are hurting. Actions speak louder than words (-: However, I found that by justing leaving the situation, he was finally able to see it on his own, after life gave him hard knocks which took him off his pedestal and he realized ON HIS OWN when the same thing was done to him by another, how wrong his behavior was. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. And for the past year+ I have asked him repeatedly to tell me what made him so angrywhat can I do to make it upcant we work at thisand he has yet to tell meInstead, said hes never coming back, could never work, wont see me and talk face to face, and now fading away again (no calls no texts). 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. I have said this before but setting a boundary with a promise is like thinking you have built a fence by drawing a line and asking your horses not to cross it. Well, we choose USA because of the lesser age discrimination at the work place we are both over 50. This is why they move on so easily. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. We have not had a fight or argument for over 6 weeks! 2. I am very fortunate and lucky to be alive. Also 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. I will pray for you! He always states he should have been a lawyer because he knows how to argue/defendHe says this even in re to issues at work, he uses that statement whenever hes feeling like things arent going his way. Hi Marie and welcome (-: I hope that understanding will help bring you to a place where you can begin to heal the hurt and move on. Of course that is not going to work and is not really a boundary at all. I just need to decide. Da, I could have written your story You are me. But God, do I miss the good. 4. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. My husband of 14 yrs(2nd for both of us) is not only a narciccist, but also had an affair for two years. The narcissist should be held accountable to most of his actions, even taking into account his sometimes uncontrollable rage and the backdrop of his grandiose fantasies. I asked, if you could come to where I was living so I could still do some packing and getting the move ready. Everyday is a challenge. Ahhh! Hi Cindy, There is advice about how to get him to leave at the end of back from the Looking Glass (-: When my husband would say something similar to that I would respond with I will/can only take responsibility/accountability for my half/end of the situation, NOT your half/end of it. Carry in a recliner with me after I asked you to please help me because it was outside and it was about to rain and you refusing, while sitting on the bed eating pizza. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad. He says they are not having sex. (Still do in my heart, although head says differently.). You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. After love-bombing you with future faking and a false . It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. He returned to the USA and after two years and 3 visits, I accepted his proposal. Others think he is wonderful. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. The reality is they are not kings nor queens. Sorry to rush and also sorry to everyone I havent answered today I have a job for the next few days and dont have a lot of time! He always has an agenda.which is for himself onlyultimately to make himself feel good about himself. Hi sonia And I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I was lucky to have had a professional recognize him for who he was before I fell into that trap. Someone experiencing narcissistic rage may feel that someone else or an event in their life is threatening or may injure their self-esteem or self-worth. How many more years do I give to a man that proves over and over that hes not going to change? I still get constant emails wishing me well and statements of regret and promises hoping Ill return someday. I categorize the severity of it by saying what percent of the time he is like this. They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! Pay attention to what your partner does more than what he or . He drew me back in, and then I found out at the same time he was softening me up and I was letting down my guard he was seeing and sleeping with an ex-girlfriend! 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. I couldnt believe what I heard coming from him. In our last phone call (a phone call was a rare event) I confronted him with the bad behavior, some of which is aboveall I got for that was this text, which also said that my words have power over him and IM NOT RESPONSIBLE! For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. And thanks Kim for this site and your work. Once you see that and live your life as a whole person with thoughts, ideas and etc., of your own, you will flourish. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. I am so sorry to hear this Aspen, This is why we put so much stress on you being calm and very careful in how you approach the police. You do not *ever* talk to a doctor about someone else without their permission, and you do not respectfully obtain permission by stating what you are going to need to do.. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. Moved in with me and 6 months later started choking me, beating me, humiliating and belittling. Hi. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. He is a little boy on the inside. Unfortunately he died 2 years ago. Once a. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. I found out you didnt sent her anything. Are they likely to rape you again? Talking down to people is rarely persuasive no matter how superior you feel your position to be. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. However he keeps asking for more and then tries to blame me for having credit and being able to handle my finances as if it is my fault he cant handle his. Remember if they do it once its happen again! 2. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. I believed him about the stuff about his EX, why wouldnt I, who would have thought a man could make up such immoral disgusting things about another person. You need to start today. Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. I think my father was also a narcissist, but has been tamed by his new wife who showers him with compliments. One thing I am puzzled about is how do these people keep their jobs with all of the chaos they can cause such as in the case with Catherine. Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Thanks for your solid advice!! It is so difficult not to become bitter. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. They changed my attitude not his right away.. After 37 years he left with his then current lover and finally divorced me. Ive learned a lot from this website, emails and posts. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. I think the main thing is to BELIEVE and KNOW that you are not to blame for his bad moods and temper, whatever he says. When he suggested filing before the first of the month so the creditors would not take their payment, I lend you the $800.00 to pay the attorney fees since you did not have it, with the agreement that you would pay me back on the first. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. Many rapes occur repeatedly and by family members and even if exposed the victim is not believed. Now that part I dont understand. Si niw I said that I would be his fruend fire er and with that, im o.k. But Ann it all depends on the individual. Im already doing that. It made me feel alone too. I dont recommend this to anyone, but as his abuses escalated over a long period of time and never decreased, in addition to other factors, I very carefully planned and executed the plan to leave and divorce him so I could survive. Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. Kim, in response No. He argued beyond belief, way past any reasonable amount of time to state a point. Lawyers have said to put all vehicles in my name. I would not stay next time he is cheating. Reassuring him that I am not ending the relationship. There is no one answer to this question, as the best way to hold a narcissist accountable will vary depending on the situation and the severity of the narcissist's behavior. (1)He slammed my iPhone on to the ground (because I refused to give him my car keys) he was not sorry, he blamed meI made him do it. It is ridiculous to have to kiss his royal rear end cuz why? He was a leach and a parasite and I didnt need nor do i want him back. Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. I really am too frightened. Where are you now? Please! Still in shock over a year later. Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. It used to be about 70%, and in the remaining 30% he would seem normal and nice. Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. Id love to hear more about this. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? I was taught at a young age to be a caretaker my grandmother choose me since I had patience. totally convinced her that he would take care of her til she died yeah put her in rest home and she never came out. He knows we will have seperate accounts from this point forward, but I dont think he really believes it. Narcissists thrive on conflict. I told him if he didnt want to make a decision then I would have to make one on my own and told him that I felt it is best to seperate our finances completely and that in order to do so he would have to get his own place to live once he comes back home. I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. He hasnt done one thing that seems to indicate any love (in well over a year)and it certainly doesnt seem like love. As many people have pointed out here, I try to reason with someone who seems to have the emotional and rational capability of an eight year old. I dont want my children to marry a person like him. Thats something Ive learned to be so difficult with my husband (we are both men). You were lucky. No sleep and he would keep me awake I feared sleep for a year because as soon I fell a sleep he was gonna wake me either to be sweet or to fight. (Understanding Narcissism.) You ask the same questions that I want answered. DA, the first step to heal yourself is quickly find people who love you and will affirm you. Im tired of trying to fix this marriage. I totally adored him and over time his constant jibes, judgement, derogatory comments, nicknames, mocking and humiliation took its toll on my confidence. Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. How to Know If a Narcissist is Finished with You: 9 Sure Signs. I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. A person doing something in anger or acting irrationally often plays into the narcissist's narrative that the person has . Hi Kim. Respect yourself and trust your mind, your heart is just some needy mess you need to be grown up about. I just asked him via text after four years of love and devotion is he willing to give it all up for one moment of truth? What do I do about the kids? Is there law enforcement in your area that are likely to believe and protect you or is exposing the rape going to put you in further danger? He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. This morning I get this txt from him I find myself resenting his behaviors and yet I am tying to keep my mouth shut. Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. So, I think who am I hurting? Hi Lady Jane, you may want that sure but selfish people arent prone to listening! Thank you! My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! My advice would be to continue to work on YOU. You told me you did not have your car because your brother needed it for work and could not rent a car because you had no credit card. Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them (whether positive or negative) as attention, and they live for that shit. Welcome my channel! I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. Hes still with her (and who knows who else!) 3. During our twenty-eight years of marriage, my husbands manipulation has been very successful in keeping me from many relationships including family, both mine and his. I know a side of him that he can not hide from me, however the ugly side wins more often these days and so I reach for a new life with less turmoil and frustration. I do feel much more grounded. As long as we feel the need for validation from them, we are still in that trap of hoping for real emotions and caring from these people, and there is nonejust more manipulation for their own gratification. But now, we are looking at the possibility of him losing his business and losing out home. Literally, I thought it was me and I was being unreasonable. It is true that our program means you have to do most of the work (in changing how you deal with their abuse) but I do believe that your partner can change as I have seen it in Steve and so many others now.
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